i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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