Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
