You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
is it fun? or sober?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
