I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
