I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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