I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
