Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
