i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
