Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
