I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
