I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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