I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
