Your mouth is God's brothel.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
