can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
