Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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