I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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