some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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