Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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