In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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