i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
