new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
