No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
