I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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