I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
