my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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