I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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