I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
