Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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