I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
