how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
