sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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