you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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