I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
