I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just found a bag of teeth...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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