Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
