I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
