I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
