genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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