dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
