a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
