forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
