Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
