think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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