tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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