Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
