You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
