My boss' voice literally gives me gas
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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