Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
