upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
