great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
