he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize