its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
