If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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