OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
